A Potato Flew Around My Room
by ColorsInTheSea
Summary: AU where Isabel Magnolia (A Choice with No Regrets/Birth of Levi) was still alive and became a squad leader in the Scouting Legion. Young Armin became her assistant (like what Moblit is to Hanji) and finds an intoxicated Squad Leader. / 3 pages of weird crack shit. / Crack Pairing Isabel x Armin (Aribel) but not really. / Rated M just in case. / Will need Jesus after this story. /


Armin slowly opened the rusty door – it gave a few noisy creaks as the hinges unraveled. Armin sighed a bit and rearranged his messy hair bun, not really wanting to know what Captain Isabel had in store for him today. As much as he enjoyed her crazy rampages, she sometimes got out of hand and he had found 3 empty beer cans in the trash earlier that day – that wasn't a good sign.

A few hiccups came from the room as the door fully opened to reveal a young, intoxicated girl sitting in a wheely chair, spinning her ass around while having pickles or something taped to her eyebrows.

Armin walked in the room, ruffling his hair and sighing once again before finally asking the older woman what she was doing. "Isabel, honestly, what are you doing?" He looked weary and tired, not wanting to deal with this woman's hyperactive crap today.

"IT'S CAPTAIN I-ISABEL!" She was cut off by a hiccup, and then another hiccup. "TO YOU!" she spun around in her chair again with another half-full beer can in her hand, drinking it as the chair flew around the room.

Armin quickly grabbed a trashcan, cautious that she was going to throw up again like she did last time. "Okay, Captain Isabel," his voice was rough and filled with annoyance, "what are you doing?" He walked closer to her and put a foot on the chair, making the rotator stop and the chair stopped spinning.

"A-ARMIN! TAKE YOUR FOOT OFF," a hiccup, "OF THE CHAIR!" She whined again, her face growing redder with every sip of alcohol she took. Armin leaned close to Isabel, and she hiccupped in her face. "Hehe," she giggled, "excuse me!"

Armin squinted his eyes, staring closely at Isabel's pickle-like eyebrows. Surprisingly, this wasn't the craziest thing Isabel has done that involved her eyebrows. She once plucked some of Erwin's hair when he was sleeping, cut and molded them into his Wings of Freedoms. Then she taped them to her face and started doing weird impressions of him. "Are… those pickles?" Armin quietly whispered, trying to peel one off of her face.

"NO!" Isabel harshly pushed Armin's hand away from her face and kicked him in the knee, making him bounce back and dropping the trashcan from his arms. "I'M, I'M" she shook her head and looked at Armin straight in the eyes, "I'M ERWIN!" she screamed at the top of her lungs. "ARMIN! GIVE UP YOUR HEART!" she quickly taped her left eyebrow back together and half-assingly saluted.

Armin sighed heavily and tilted his head down. He placed his fingers on his temples, rubbing them slowly, almost burrowing his fingernails into his forehead from the stress. "I should have known," he mumbled, picking up the fallen trashcan and all the dirty papers that came rolling out of it as well. "Did you really have to knock all this trash down?"

Isabel hiccupped again, "I AM WILLING TO SACRIFICE EVERYTHING AND AN-ANYTHING IF THAT MEANS GETTING A STEP CLOSER TO HUMANITY'S VIC-VICTORY! TRASH INCLUDED!" She violently stood up, slamming her feet upon the ground. Tiptoeing up to the teenager, she placed her hands on his shoulders, pressing her fingers against his back muscles, leaving red lines that wouldn't be noticed until later on.

"Are you serious?" Armin leaned back, propping Isabel's hands off of him. He snatched the now empty beer can out of her hand and threw it into the trashcan. "No more alcohol for you," he demanded and started walking out the door.

"ARMIN!" Isabel cried, almost literally, "I COMMAND YOU TO COME BACK HERE!" she saluted again, pounding her hand against her heart a little too hard. She fell to her knees and her head pressed against the floor. She whimpered as she clenched her chest, hoping that the fingers that were piercing into her skin would numb the pain a little bit. "I'VE FALLEN AND I CAN'T GET UP!" she screamed, literal tears coming out of her eyes by now.

Armin turned his head around to see a fallen Isabel. He dropped the trashcan, not really caring for all the dirty pieces of trash that scattered out. He leaned down against Isabel on his knees and started feeling pity for the young woman. "Are you okay?!" He quickly shouted as he tried to lift her head up, but she wouldn't budge. "I told you to not do this again! Remember what happened last time? You had to literally be transported to a hospital in Trost because you passed out!" he scolded her and started panicking.

"Ah shit," he cursed. "Does it hurt?!" Isabel shook her head, deepening her grip on her chest. Under her hair-covered face, a smirk sparked on Isabel's lips.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck," Armin grabbed a handful of his hair and started pacing around the room. "Okay, I'll go get Connie or something to ready the horses. You just stay here and don't move!" He ran out the door again, leaping over the pile of trash and disappearing into a corridor.

Isabel tilted her head up a bit, looking with one eye to see if the blonde shota was gone. He was. She laughed delightfully, throwing her head back and placing her legs out. "Oh my god, I can't believe he bought it!" She smiled so selfishly and walked over towards the trashcan, picking up the can of beer. "Honestly, there's still some left in it. Why would he waste some?" She poured the rest of it into her mouth and crunched it up, throwing it on the floor.

Her red, flustered face ran back into the chair and she spun around the room like a young child. The redhead looked into the ceiling, and then saw something really interesting. Suddenly, she fell off her chair and onto the ground, not caring for the bruises and the scratches that she received from the hard wood floor. Kneeling on her knees, she looked up at the item, following its every movement. Her green eyes became lifeless and dead as she stared at it.

Armin went running back a few minutes later, panting and sweating like crazy. "Isabel!" he cried, holding himself against the door to catch his breath. "Connie and I have set up the horses! Are you okay?" he asked, but to his avail, there was no reply. Armin opened his eyes wider and realized that Isabel was no longer in gasping pain.

He walked over to her and knelt down on his knee once again, "Isabel?" he asked, waving a hand in front of her face, trying to get some sort of emotion out of her. "Captain Isabel?" The only sound that came from her was a small hiccup, but no words. "It doesn't hurt anymore?" Still no reply.

That's when Armin noticed that she was staring at something up high. He followed her eyes and mimicked her head position, only to see what shocked the girl so much. "Are you fucking kidding me?" he banged his head on the floor, really not caring for the pain. "Is that a FUCKING POTATO FLYING AROUND THE ROOM?" he yelled at Isabel, and she nodded for once. "DID YOU REALLY JUST TIE A POTATO TO A STRING AND THEN ROPED IT AROUND A CEILING FAN?" He punched his hand onto the ground, making the floorboards loose.

The door slammed open and demonic eyes met Armin's as he turned his head around to see the bustling noise. It was Sasha. "DID SOMEBODY SAY POTATOES?!" Her mouth watered like Hanji's and her eyes slowly averted to the ceiling potato.

"S-SASHA?!" Armin stood up, surprised at the woman. "YOU'RE… YOU'RE IN FARLAN'S SQUAD!" he yelled, stomping towards her. "YOU GUYS ARE DEPLOYED LIKE 50 MILES AWAY! HOW DID YOU GET HERE SO QUICKLY?!" he yelled once again, shocked by her speed.

"FOOD HAS NO LIMIT!" Sasha ran towards the wheely chair and jumped on it, using it like a skateboard to jump towards the potato and bouncing to catch it, but she brought the ceiling fan down with her.

"WHAT THE FUCK SASHA?!" Armin screamed as he looked up at the hole in the ceiling. He then saw water pouring out of it, as well as a few ceiling pipes. "SASHA! YOU FUCKING RIPPED THE CEILING OPEN!" But Sasha didn't listen to him and started munching on the potato.

Just then, another voice appeared out of nowhere. It was Connie. "FUCK THAT! I'M TAKING A FUCKING SHOWER UP HERE!" he screamed as he tried to cover his private areas with a shower cap.

Isabel stared up at the ceiling and naked Connie. Armin reverted his eyes away from the scene and slammed his head against the table, opening a drawer to reveal his secret stash of alcohol. He quickly capped open a bottle of Whiskey and drank a quarter of it, seriously not caring about the health effects.

"Small… small dick…" Isabel mumbled, and her eyes returned back to normal. They were filled with life once again, and she realized what she was staring at and all the water that was pouring down her face. She screamed and bounced back onto the floor, closing her virgin eyes.

"FUCK YOU! I HEARD THAT!" Connie screamed, tears in his eyes.

* * *

><p><em>AN: I have literally no idea what I just wrote. If you have read this, I present to you: Holy Eyedrops. You're going to need to cleanse all that impurity from your eyes._

_This literally started as a weird conversation between me and my friend about the A Choice With No Regrets OVA and how cool it would have been if Isabel and Farlan were still alive. And how they would have their own squads and stuff, and then suddenly it turned into this._

_Might make a crack sequel. Probably won't, but yknow._

_Hope you enjoyed! _


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